# 216 “i nose”

every time I go to the playground I think

all the hoes be here

my reaction: It’s something I say when I see a lot of families at the playground. The word hoe is a synonym for anyone or person. A hoe is just a person to me. I will call our kids “hoes”. I will call our teachers “hoes”. It’s really a term of endearment. I’ve called a lot of well respected people in the community ‘hoes’.

the voice

I’m sick of the “parent voice” at the playground. The parent voice is a soft toned instruction. It’s almost equivalent to baby talk. Parents at playground speak so patiently and soft when talking to their kids. We are not at a library. You’re not leading a meditation or yoga class. You don’t need to act like you’re a good parent in front of me. I know you have anger management issues. It’s okay to yell at your kids when you are frustrated. You can be angry in public. Please be angry in public. It will make me judge you even more.

booger king

One of my favorite obscure hobbies is picking my own boogers. I used to have a booger wall in my office at work. A booger wall is a wall you wipe all your boogers on. My booger wall was under my desk so know one would find it. I wasn’t ready to display my booger art for the public to see. Picking boogers is a great hobby. I love digging in my nose to find a treasure. I’ll even dig in there when I don’t have any boogers. I just want to see if I can get lucky. Getting a nice dry booger out is one of the most satisfying things. It’s free, fun, and entertaining.

do the do

I call people in public who annoy me “du du doo’s”. A du du doo is someone who is usually texting at a stop light and they don’t go on green because they are oblivious. A du du doo is a person who just doesn’t get it when they are in public. They are all over the city. They can be grocery shopping and don’t know what produce to pick. Just pick the red apple. They are in lines for free samples. A lot of du du doos love lines especially for free stuff they don’t need. They are at festivals just taking up space not knowing where to go. They all have a smart phone. It’s a requirement to be a du du doo. There always off in la la land looking at their dumb screen. They have no wherewithal of what is going on. They just du du doo.

err fumes

My teen step daughters love to spray themselves with perfume. I shouldn’t even call it perfume. It’s a girly body spray. It’s teen pesticide. They spray so much on them you would’ve thought our shower doesn’t work. It’s like come on. Go easy on the spray. You are going to give me asthma. Is it Chernobyl in here? I have to leave the house when they spray themselves. Don’t you trust your own shower? Do you use soap? It’s okay to scrub yourselves clean. Don’t be afraid to use a little elbow grease. I’m out here coughing because they don’t want to take a shower. The spray is not okay.

level with me

I work in a lower level of a bank building. I don’t work at a bank I just work in a bank building. Bankers are so professional. They dress nice. They take care of themselves. They all have nice cars. The parking lot is full of nice cars. I haven’t seen one bad car. I pull up to work in joggers and a sweatshirt. The bankers know I’m not the new guy at their work. They know I’m headed right down to the lower level where I belong. I look like one of the bank clients who are broke. I think you should have to dress up to go to the bank. I saw one guy go to the bank with a white tank top and his gut exposed. That’s not a business transaction. It looks a Twinkie transaction. They should charge a fee to deal with this guy.

doogie howser moment

In conclusion I don’t get out much. I’m usually in a lower level of a bank, home, or at a playground. I see a lot of hoes go the bank, playground, and my own house. I wish people would spray themselves like my teen stepdaughters. I don’t want to smell these hoes body odor as I say in soft parent voice. All these du du doos walking around inconveniencing my life. I guess I shouldn’t be talking I pick my nose like it’s a profession.